He leaned over the counter this morning, making small talk while writing a quick progress note. Around his wrist was a white rubber bracelet, of the type popularized by Lance Armstrong and his Livestrong cancer awareness effort. The last three letters read -T-H-Y. He was clever enough, so I asked him what it said. He hesitated a little and then turned it around a bit so that I could read: A-P-A-T-H-Y. He told me that he has another one at home that says DESPAIR. I know this was just a sarcastic, and somewhat thoughtless response to all of the trend following bracelet-wearers.
However, the bracelet kind of stuck in the back of my head all day. It didn't really help matters that the reason that he was checking up on our patient this morning was that he had accidently overdosed one of her meds yesterday. If I were in his position, I don't think I would want to be seen with that around my wrist.
Then I started thinking about what my bracelet would say if I was to describe how I felt in one word.
TIRED?
WORRIED?
FRUSTRATED?
LONELY?
USELESS?
Schedule-wise this has been a more relaxed week for me. I have been working out more regularly, and even reading a little every night. And yet I just feel like a mess. I don't know what I am accomplishing here. I kind of feel like I am in a pit with steep, muddy walls that I can't climb out of.
If I had my pick, I would want my bracelet to say CONTENT or more simply LOVED, but those seem to be feelings well out of my grasp right now.
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I am on home call right now. It's hard not to just sit there and stare at my pager, willing it not to go off. It is annoying that the key to sleeping tonight is directly related to a 1" x 2" x 0.5" electronic device. I HATE THAT THING. A person with a good attitude would be grateful for being able to spend a call night at home, but unfortunately I am not in that state of mind... yet.
This evening, I watched "An Inconvenient Truth". It was pretty good, and I think that I may have learned a thing or two. I did not realize that Al Gore was such an idealist. I used to be like that. I guess maybe I just need a little refill on my supply of hope.
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P.S. "Match Day" for medical students entering residency programs this July is coming up next week on the 15th. Please keep "The Phoenix" in your thoughts and prayers.
However, the bracelet kind of stuck in the back of my head all day. It didn't really help matters that the reason that he was checking up on our patient this morning was that he had accidently overdosed one of her meds yesterday. If I were in his position, I don't think I would want to be seen with that around my wrist.
Then I started thinking about what my bracelet would say if I was to describe how I felt in one word.
TIRED?
WORRIED?
FRUSTRATED?
LONELY?
USELESS?
Schedule-wise this has been a more relaxed week for me. I have been working out more regularly, and even reading a little every night. And yet I just feel like a mess. I don't know what I am accomplishing here. I kind of feel like I am in a pit with steep, muddy walls that I can't climb out of.
If I had my pick, I would want my bracelet to say CONTENT or more simply LOVED, but those seem to be feelings well out of my grasp right now.
----------
I am on home call right now. It's hard not to just sit there and stare at my pager, willing it not to go off. It is annoying that the key to sleeping tonight is directly related to a 1" x 2" x 0.5" electronic device. I HATE THAT THING. A person with a good attitude would be grateful for being able to spend a call night at home, but unfortunately I am not in that state of mind... yet.
This evening, I watched "An Inconvenient Truth". It was pretty good, and I think that I may have learned a thing or two. I did not realize that Al Gore was such an idealist. I used to be like that. I guess maybe I just need a little refill on my supply of hope.
----------
P.S. "Match Day" for medical students entering residency programs this July is coming up next week on the 15th. Please keep "The Phoenix" in your thoughts and prayers.
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2 comments:
It might be that you feel you have no control over your own life and time. That will improve, after you've paid your dues.
That's one thing I love about retirement - for the first time I am completely in control of my life, answering to no one, and so even though I am a little lonely, wanting someone to care for, on the whole, I AM content.
This past school year has been one of the worst and most challenging years of my life. But I'm learning that no one is perfect, and that I am human.
You are doing so much right now, and learning new things every day. That's exhausting. It will get easier, and your hope will be renewed.
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