It's Not Them, It's Me

On Thursday I noticed that pretty much all of my patients were lovely, nice people. And then I started to think about it. Were they really all pleasant, or was it more that I was well-rested and not stressed out? I think that I am definitely guilty of letting stress influence my interactions with other people. Yes, there were constant interruptions all day long. I even had a secretary personally snip at me for not hearing her page me overhead. The difference was that I didn't let it get to me. Normally, I think I just let people dump their frustrations on me, and I end up internalizing it, and probably passing it on to others. I don't know how long it will be before cynicism returns, but hopefully I can keep it away for a while.

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Yesterday, I spent almost 11 hours with Army Guy. Last night we went to a comedy show, after just spending a day hanging out. We have been dating for a couple of months now, and it's going pretty well. Sure there are times when our schedules don't align (or he gets shipped to Georgia for two weeks for weird training stuff), but I still like him. He's smart, funny, polite and can even tolerate my teasing. I think that it helps that he has a career completely different than mine, so that I don't have to talk about work stuff, but he's always interested to hear about my work escapades. I have some rough scheduling ahead, and he has to run off to Ranger School in a few months, but for now, I am just enjoying having someone to go out and do things with.

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Today I worked at the basketball game downtown. We cover the first-aid station at the local University's football and basketball games. I was allowed to watch the game and have free range of the stadium, as long as I wore a headset and carried a walkie-talkie. It was an exhibition game, so the full crowd wasn't out today, and I didn't get ONE SINGLE CALL. The home team won (although they made us nervous for a bit), and the whole thing was over in two hours.

A funny thing happened during one of the breaks. The male cheerleaders each grabbed a large flag and together spelled out the home team's name. However, for some reason, the last guy wasn't a cheerleader, just some random band guy. Well, the cheerleaders took off at a sprint around the perimeter of the court, forming a parade of the team's name. Poor random band guy couldn't keep up with their pace. It was obvious he wasn't used to running with a large flag. The last letter was sadly a good court length behind the rest of the flags. Worse yet, as he turned the corner, random band guy slipped and fell. The mascot, who was keeping up with him, despite being in a full-costume grabbed his flag and finished off with the others. Guess you shouldn't expect to keep up with trained flag carriers.

It was a good day, and I think my game coverage (three hours total) replaced a full eight-hour shift! We don't get paid extra for covering, but you just can't beat a work day of eating nachos and watching basketball!

And Now for Something a Bit More Whiny

He leaned over the counter this morning, making small talk while writing a quick progress note. Around his wrist was a white rubber bracelet, of the type popularized by Lance Armstrong and his Livestrong cancer awareness effort. The last three letters read -T-H-Y. He was clever enough, so I asked him what it said. He hesitated a little and then turned it around a bit so that I could read: A-P-A-T-H-Y. He told me that he has another one at home that says DESPAIR. I know this was just a sarcastic, and somewhat thoughtless response to all of the trend following bracelet-wearers.

However, the bracelet kind of stuck in the back of my head all day. It didn't really help matters that the reason that he was checking up on our patient this morning was that he had accidently overdosed one of her meds yesterday. If I were in his position, I don't think I would want to be seen with that around my wrist.

Then I started thinking about what my bracelet would say if I was to describe how I felt in one word.

TIRED?

WORRIED?

FRUSTRATED?

LONELY?

USELESS?

Schedule-wise this has been a more relaxed week for me. I have been working out more regularly, and even reading a little every night. And yet I just feel like a mess. I don't know what I am accomplishing here. I kind of feel like I am in a pit with steep, muddy walls that I can't climb out of.

If I had my pick, I would want my bracelet to say CONTENT or more simply LOVED, but those seem to be feelings well out of my grasp right now.

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I am on home call right now. It's hard not to just sit there and stare at my pager, willing it not to go off. It is annoying that the key to sleeping tonight is directly related to a 1" x 2" x 0.5" electronic device. I HATE THAT THING. A person with a good attitude would be grateful for being able to spend a call night at home, but unfortunately I am not in that state of mind... yet.

This evening, I watched "An Inconvenient Truth". It was pretty good, and I think that I may have learned a thing or two. I did not realize that Al Gore was such an idealist. I used to be like that. I guess maybe I just need a little refill on my supply of hope.

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P.S. "Match Day" for medical students entering residency programs this July is coming up next week on the 15th. Please keep "The Phoenix" in your thoughts and prayers.