FOR IMMATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

OK, here’s my real title for today: Top Ten List of Things that I Could do with a Life-sized Cast of a Hospital Administrator’s Hardware

If the above offends you, I suggest you stop reading now. This story was related to me by a friend, and too funny to not pass on, so here goes:

A woman in her mid-sixties went in to see her gynecologist the other day. She had been having problems with urinary incontinence, and a Birch procedure was scheduled for repair of a cystocele found on exam. During a previous visit, the two had discussed the procedure and the doctor had explained that although the surgery focused on repairing the bladder, sometimes remodeling of the vagina is necessary. The patient had stressed that she and her husband were very sexually active, and she was concerned about being able to maintain their activities after surgery. He had told her that she could resume her sexual exploits a few weeks after surgery, and although things might feel a little different at first, he didn’t anticipate any problems.

Everything was going well enough, when abruptly she reached into her purse and pulled out a life-sized cast of her husband’s erect penis. She said that she wanted the doctor to have it available in the OR to make sure that it would still fit. At that point the doctor turned beet red and my friend had to turn away to keep from laughing aloud. He politely declined the use of her model and convinced her that it wasn’t necessary.

Apparently, the woman’s husband is also on the administrative board at that particular hospital and she convinced him to make a cast of himself by saying that they wouldn’t be able to have sex for a year afterward if she wasn’t properly fitted. I would think that anyone in his position would know better, but perhaps he was more interested in participating in the sculpting activities! Unfortunately, woman and penis left the office together, so no administrators will be hurt by the re-telling of this tale. If I had been the gynecologist, I would have been tempted to keep the cast, if nothing else, so that people would believe me!

Top Ten List of Things that I Could do with a Life-sized Cast of a Hospital Administrator’s Hardware:

10. Make a customized hood ornament for my rental truck.

9. Photo-op tour featuring various historic locations across the US.

8. Bring it to future board meetings as negotiating power… “Well, what does Mr. Happy think of that idea?”

7. Paperweight.

6. New anatomically-correct placards for men’s restrooms.

5. Replace garden gnome in unsuspecting neighbor’s yard.

4. Donate it to a local school’s sex-education program.

3. Avant-garde art in a fertility clinic.

2. Holiday gift for Viagra/Cialis/Levitra drug rep.

1. Mount it beneath his picture in the hospital lobby.